Ah laziness and cabana boys

I'm struggling with getting back into the saddle. Luckily I have some volunteers to help me get it over the hump. But I don't feel like being bothered with having to do the work. Now I know that only Selma Hayek and Halle Berry don't have to do any work. This is a problem that I often suffer from. Honestly, it's something I battle with on all fronts of my life.

I'm also being plagued by phone calls from the guy I fucked in a field. I haven't had a chance to call him and to say stop calling me- you'd think he'd get it by now. Right now I don't feel like there's anyone I want to shave and clean my house for. Can't I just go to someone else's house and let them be worried about having a clean house? Jamie sent me a text the other day and I'm willing to do the shaving to see him-I get to go to his house, so I don't have to clean up. But I think he might have a girlfriend because he often has last minute change of plans. Even as I write this post, I'm a little drunk and extremely horny.

I got a hammock about a month ago and I love it! I recently put a post on Craigslist looking for a cabana boy. I got a shockingly low number of responses- about 25. Most of the applicants look acceptable but I'm faced with the reality of having to clean my house to make this happen. I'm going to try and use this as the motivation to be interested in getting laid. You know I want to get laid but I don't want to do anything to make that happen. Lame but I got through this cycle every so often. I'm sure the cabana boy that feeds me grapes and makes me cocktails will help immensely.

Back in the saddle

Now that's its been over a week since I spoke with Terry, I need to take the advice I once got from my sister- the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. I was supposed to see Jamie last weekend but Mother Nature felt like reminding me that I'm not having kids this month. So just before I wrote this entry, I sent him a text to reschedule our play date for this week. I'm not sure how much energy I want to put into finding that someone to get under. Jamie is a good choice because I already know him, he's great in the sack and will happily host.

About a month ago I got the iPhone and I love it! While I was checking out all of the features on the phone, I started looking at all of my contacts. Among my contacts was a guy named Brad Brewmaster. I met this guy via Craigslist and he was looking for someone to sunbath with him at home. At the time, I was really just discovering my love of sunbathing in the nude; not that I need the extra color- I was blessed with golden brown skin. But the feeling of the sun on my naked body is too good to pass up. We got together twice, it would have been more but he lives on the outer edge of the bay area and I didn't feel like driving out there. He couldn't come to me because I don't have the privacy in my yard to sunbath in the nude. I guess he could have come over to get laid but his work schedule meant that I'd be waking up early.

The reason I even started talking about this is because I'm trying to decide if I should delete his phone number. I haven't talked to him in a year, so I'm wondering what's the statute of limitations on calling old booty calls? If anyone has an answer let me know. If I can find his email address, I might shoot him an email and see if he wants to get together.

I want to try and avoid Craigslist for a while but I don't want to take too long before getting laid. Right now it seems like a hassle to find that someone but once I get that laid, I'll be ready to rock and roll!

A drunken Sunday and other days

About two weeks ago I was leaving a house warming party where I'd had several cocktails. Being in no condition to drive, I decided to get a burrito to try and sop up the booze. After the burrito, I was less drunk but still pretty tipsy and feeling frisky. Since I hadn't officially ended things with Terry, I started by calling him. I knew that even in my tipsy state, I could make it to his place and we could really GET IT ON. Of course, he didn't answer when I called but I was in no mood to not get laid or at least felt up. So I decided to call the last special guest I saw with Terry. Emilio had called me that week wanting to know if I was free to get together without Terry. Naturally I said no but on this day, I was too frisky to care.

As luck would have it, Emilio was available and interested in getting together. Well it turns out that he has house mates who all happened to be home. Now this could be a lie but I was too drunk to care. So we drive around trying to figure out where to go. He can't go to my house because: it's a mess and I'd be embarrassed and I don't want to deal with taking him home after we're done. After 5 minutes of driving around, Emilio suggests that we go to this field that's on the side of the road. We get out into this field and proceed to go at it like wild animals! In a gentlemanly move, he lied on the ground so I wouldn't have to get dirty. While we were going at it, we heard people walking thru the field. We stop for a moment and then go right back at it. We finish up and leave. I take him back to his house and drive myself home for a nap.

To be honest I would have preferred to see Terry but Emilio was available and into seeing me. I didn't feel bad about technically cheating on Terry because he hasn't been available and I felt like I'm free to do anything I'd like.

In addition to Emilio, I contacted Jamie to see what he was up to. Now if you remember, Jamie had been emailing me a lot trying to get me to come see him without Terry. So I sent him an email saying that my relationship with Terry was ending and I'd like to see him. Naturally he was more than willing- he even suggested using our time together to clear my head. We've been having some difficulty getting together but it's going to happen soon and it'll be great.

And in closing, I called Terry today and left him a message - of course he didn't answer the phone. My message was this: I wanted to talk to you but since I didn't, whenever you get time for me, you can call. And with that, I am now free from Terry. I'm a little sad but happy too. He can call me whenever he likes but I'm sure I'll be busy.

Getting soft in my old age

Have you ever wondered why you make the choices you do? Recently my sister said to me "everyone is soft on someone even when they know better." Now I've never thought of myself as being soft but it couldn't have been a more accurate description. Because there's no good reason why I'm still trying to spend time with Terry. I've talked about Terry with everyone I know, trying to figure out why I can't make a clean break from Terry. Finally someone said something that I think might be the answer- companionship.

I had not considered companionship at all and the more I think about it, it makes sense. It would explain why I can't say good bye, why I've put up with Terry's piss poor behavior and his Svengali type hold over me. Although I have always enjoyed being able to pull different guys any day of the week, as I've gotten old that's been losing some of it's appeal with me. I've been more interested in having that someone I could relax and be myself with. There are plenty of days I don't feel like doing anything extra and I want someone to be ok with that. And until recently, Terry has been ok with that. Even as I write this, I'm embarrassed by my own thoughts and feelings.

I shouldn't be surprised about getting soft. I've been noticing it for sometime now. Every time I need to pull the trigger on a guy, it takes a little more time than the time before. I guess there isn't anything wrong with getting a little soft but I need to temper it. I wonder if I'll be able to get it under control.

Breaking up is hard to do, part 2

Let me apologize for breaking one story into two parts. I was getting tired and could tell I needed a lot more space to finish my story. I don't want to force you to read a super long post to get the background and the details. A quick recap for those of you who didn't read part 1. After two weeks, I finally saw Terry and we had a special guest. I've been pissed at him and wanted to lay into him in person-not over the phone/text/email.

Once Terry is lying in bed happy about the special guest, I ask him what's going on with us. He says, "what do you mean?" What the fuck do you think I mean? Terry proceeds to tell me that he wasn't prepared to be a boyfriend and that there are so many demands and expectations on him. What? Demands? Wanting to spend time with him is demanding? Meeting my friends is an expectation he can't meet? Un-fucking-believable! He then says that he has felt stressed out because I'm always demanding to be touched. And he felt bad because I was angry at him. Also he was tired of us having the same conversation about the things I wanted him to do. Now I never meant to make him feel bad (that's the truth) but I feel like a lot of it could have been avoided.

Although our talk was only about 15 minutes; I was too drunk and stoned to get more involved than that, it was full of interesting tidbits. Our talk included this gem- "before I met you, I hadn't seen you in 49 years. Two weeks isn't a big deal." This was in response to my statement about not seeing him for two weeks. What an ass! He also told me that he needs to spend time with his kids - granted he wasn't spending that much time with them before-and that sometimes he needs to have time to himself. I said I understand that you need to spend time with your kids and then he promptly said that I really didn't understand because we keep having to talk about this. On this point, he is probably right. I don't have kids and up to this point have never dated anyone with kids, so they are not part of my thought process. I even mentioned to him that I was trying to get my head around that fact that he seemed kind of underwhelmed by me and this is not an experience I'm used to.

Ultimately I didn't get the resolution I was looking for. And while I did appreciate his honesty, his reasons for basically being a dick weren't good enough. I really just wanted him to say he was sorry. That was it. Since that didn't happen, I just stopped arguing with him. I don't have the energy or interest to argue like I used to. In my younger days, I would fight until I won and would say anything to win the fight and I mean anything. I once told a boyfriend that maybe he should fuck his sister when he suggested I act more like her. But there I was just giving up on the fight and accepting Terry's shitty behavior.

So when this conversation was over, I asked Terry if he'd hold me. One of the things I really like about Terry is that he holds me while we sleep. He jokingly says that'll cost extra. I tell him I didn't bring any money and I'll have to owe him. We both laugh and to my surprise, he holds me real tight and we start to fool around. It was great because I didn't have to do or say anything to make it happen. I thought to myself-Finally! And then we went to sleep- which was good because I was exhausted. When we got up in the morning, Terry asked what I was doing that day because he was free. I was getting a haircut (turned out cute, BTW) and wasn't available. We made plans to get together on Tuesday. That morning it was like our fight didn't happen the night before. Terry was affectionate and sweet.

Now Tuesday came and while I needed to push our time together back, we didn't even get together. I found myself back in the same position as before-no return calls and avoidance. I can't believe that I've been accepting Terry's shitty behavior. It's totally shameful and yet I'm barely doing anything to stop it. I've been trying to ask myself why I put up with this and I don't have an answer aside from sheer laziness. But at some level I've now become the kind of woman I hate-the kind who'd rather have someone instead of no one. I guess I'm keeping hope alive that Terry will turn it around and things can go back to being fun. But even if that happens, there are plenty of things he doesn't do.

As I write this post, I'm scheduled to see Terry tonight. We'll see if that even happen.

Breaking up is hard to do

Let me start by saying I'm sorry that it's been almost a month since my last post. The lame thing about that is I was working and not doing anything exciting to keep me from writing. I wish it was more exciting. Moving on. . .

In my last post, I mentioned that I should probably break up with Terry because: I'm not getting laid, he's being weird and distant, blowing me off and I'm not getting laid. As you can see, getting laid is crucial to me being happy in this relationship. Now I've been trying to give Terry the benefit of the doubt. He told me he's been feeling down, so I chalked up some of his flaky behavior to that. But then he started waiting two days to call/text me back. Now that kind of behavior is unforgivable to me. In this day and age, you can always get back to people without having to talk them. I don't think it's asking too much to just text/email saying-"it'll have to wait" or something.

I'm getting agitated with Terry and want to read him the riot act. But I want to do it in person not over the phone. So I keep trying to get together to see him. So one day when I'm at work, Terry actually calls me back. While were talking, I say to him that right now I feel like the laundry is more important to him than I am. He just laughs. So then I say to him, if you don't want to see me anymore just say that. You couldn't get a better situation for a painless break up: we're on the phone, I'm at work and I've put the topic on the table. Instead of saying yes he wants out, he says nothing. Not I want to stay, not I want out-nothing. Naturally I'm pissed. I'm an all or nothing kind of a girl. Either you're into me (and that's most people) or you're not.
We end our phone call by making some plans to get together with a special guest.

Even though I didn't think we were going to actually get together, I posted an ad looking for new special guests. I found one that seemed perfect-young, cute and horny. I actually talked to Kevin on the phone for about an hour and was looking forward to seeing him. And just to hedge my bets, I get some other people loosely lined up.

So its the day Terry and I are supposed to get together. Now I'm been living on a steady diet of him canceling on me at the last minute, so I expect that to happen. Surprisingly when I call him, he's home and waiting for me to come over. Now I'm kind of an old fashioned girl when it comes to dumping people- I like to do it in person. With that in mind, I decide that I'm not going to say anything about what's been going on with us until after the special guest. Cuz' lets face facts, I really need to get laid and Terry won't be expecting anything at that point.

Kevin doesn't show up and I can't get ahold of my number two guy. I finally get someone to come over and when he gets there, I think to myself "good thing I'm stoned and drunk". This kid Emilio turns out to be a great lay and full of energy. All the while, Terry is touching me like I'm a sack of potatoes. WTF?! I'd rather he didn't touch me at all. Mind you, he didn't eat me out like usual before Emilio started working on me. Emilio happily leaves and says he can't wait to come back. And why not? I'm a great lay.

This post is very long, so I'll end here. I'll post the rest of the night's activities soon.

My boyfriend is depressed- what am I supposed to do?

In my last post, I mentioned that Terry's been acting indifferent with me. He hasn't been giving me the attention I wanted or am accustomed to getting and he was barely trying to see me. So yesterday I was having lunch with him and I mentioned to him that I felt like he wasn't interested in seeing me. Before I could even finish that statement, he said "this again. I bet I know what you're going to say." After I said my peace, Terry said that he hasn't been feeling well and it has nothing to do with me. We continued eating and talking. So once we get in the car, I ask Terry if he's seeing someone else. He laughed, stopped the car and said "no I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm old, my body hurts and don't really feel like doing anything. I just feel like being alone." I couldn't even imagine not wanting to spend time with me. I'm super fun to be around!

I asked him if he's been feeling a little depressed and he said yes. He also said that he knows the way he's been feeling has been hard for other people, since he wasn't available and/or interested in seeing them. Now I know that when I first met Terry he was taking some pills to deal with depression. He said that there were days when he felt so blue and that the pills helped eliminate that. A while back he had told me that he stopped taking them because he felt like he didn't need them. So it looks like he might need to get back on them.

Now I want to be supportive but honestly I have no idea how to do that. So I'm open to suggestion if you have any. Also what about my needs? I mean, I all for helping Terry feel better but where does that leave me? And ultimately I'm most concerned about that. This also means that I'm probably not going to get any sexual attention for a while. Which totally sucks considering that I've now reached a month with no action from Terry. WTF?! Am I supposed to just accept this or is there some kind of way I can get my needs met without seeming needy?

On a completely unrelated note, I just was wasting some time on Facebook and happened to look up an old girlfriend. This week I've spoken to three people I went to high school with and it made start wondering about people I used to date. And I mean actually date, not just hooked up with. So I look up her name and she's the second one on the list. In her picture, she's holding a small baby like it might be hers. Are you kidding me? If there's anyone who shouldn't be a parent it's this woman.

I looked up my all-time favorite boyfriend as well. I saw a picture of someone I thought might have been him but I didn't see anyone I recognized as his friends or family. Now I'll be focused on finding - at least for the next two days.