The Question of Farts

This past weekend I found myself in a situation that that I'm sure has come up for more women then we'd like to admit. I needed to fart and didn't feel like I could wouldn't it being noticed. Let me give you the background.

After a night of indulging in a leafy green substance with a male friend (Sam)-who much to my dismay was being a complete gentleman-I needed to spend the night at his house. While I enjoyed the comfort of his bed, he slept in a chair. I tried to get him to join me in the bed but when he didn't take my bait, I decided to let it go-I was too tired to put much energy into it. When the morning came, I woke up and realized I needed to fart. I knew I couldn't use the the bathroom; aside from being out of toilet paper, the bathroom opened into the bedroom. And if I fart in the bathroom, Sam will hear it; I haven't known him long enough for that to be ok. I thought about letting it out in the bed but I could tell that it was the kind of fart that was going to make a lot of noise. Not smelly, just noisy. Since he was in a chair just to my right, I made the only decision I could- I sucked that fart back into my body.

Now I had a stomach ache from sucking in my fart and I realized I needed to get out of there. But I didn't want to leave- I was holding out for breakfast. In our hazy state, Sam had said he would make bacon and eggs for breakfast. I love bacon, so I had to stick around. Also Sam had talked up his skills with eggs to the point where even a person who generally doesn't eat eggs (me) wanted them. I mean, there hadn't been any inappropriate touching- the least he could do was make me breakfast. So now I was in a battle between my belly and butt. Both needed attention but only one could win.

I continued to lie in the bed, wishing I could fart. I let out a little fart to see if that was an option but it made noise and I start to worry that Sam would hear me. Now many of friends told me that I should have farted and let that be the end of that. But I knew that if Sam farted in my presence, I'd think he was a pig. So there I was stuck sucking in my farts waiting for Sam to wake up and walk out of the room. How did my life come to this?

Eventually I got out of the bed and Sam woke up. We started talking about the breakfast that I'd been waiting for. Finally I thought, I'll get something I want. After a few minutes of talking, Sam remembers that we cooked all of the bacon the night before so breakfast is out of the question. What?! I stayed here all morning, holding in this fart for nothing! What the fuck! Now I have to get out of there and not look pissed. Luckily one of the positive side effects of overindulging, is that no one questions when you get up and say I gotta go.

So as I walked out into the bright daylight, I was still holding in my fart and trying not to be angry about not getting breakfast. Once I got in the car, I let that fart go and almost immediately was over not getting breakfast. The next time I talked to Sam, he invited me over for more leafy indulgence. I passed because I didn't want another night of no inappropriate touching and having to hold in my farts.