Have you ever wondered why you make the choices you do? Recently my sister said to me "everyone is soft on someone even when they know better." Now I've never thought of myself as being soft but it couldn't have been a more accurate description. Because there's no good reason why I'm still trying to spend time with Terry. I've talked about Terry with everyone I know, trying to figure out why I can't make a clean break from Terry. Finally someone said something that I think might be the answer- companionship.
I had not considered companionship at all and the more I think about it, it makes sense. It would explain why I can't say good bye, why I've put up with Terry's piss poor behavior and his Svengali type hold over me. Although I have always enjoyed being able to pull different guys any day of the week, as I've gotten old that's been losing some of it's appeal with me. I've been more interested in having that someone I could relax and be myself with. There are plenty of days I don't feel like doing anything extra and I want someone to be ok with that. And until recently, Terry has been ok with that. Even as I write this, I'm embarrassed by my own thoughts and feelings.
I shouldn't be surprised about getting soft. I've been noticing it for sometime now. Every time I need to pull the trigger on a guy, it takes a little more time than the time before. I guess there isn't anything wrong with getting a little soft but I need to temper it. I wonder if I'll be able to get it under control.
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