Yesterday was Valentine's day and it wasn't as much fun as I had hoped for. I should have known it would be a bummer. Every time I have high hopes for a day, it almost always results in disappointment. After a particularly bad birthday-I had a bit of a break down when I didn't get to eat lunch at Chez Panisse- I decided that the being out of town is the best way for me to spend my birthday. It totally prevents me from evaluating every decision I've ever made. But even with my history of being disappointed on my birthday, I thought why not keep hope alive for Valentine's day.
Now Terry has told me on more than one occasion that he doesn't celebrate holidays and birthdays; seems like a cop out to me- sometimes he can be cheap. So with that knowledge, I planned a low key evening for us at his house. I would have preferred him to come to my house but right now my house looks like a disaster area because one of my sisters moved in with me. (More on that at a later date.) It's kind of weird to do something nice for someone when you know there won't be any reciprocation. I know you're supposed to do nice things without expecting anything in return. . .but come on, it's valentine's day!
My plans for the evening involved a heart shaped pizza- thank you Papa Murphy's- some freshly made chocolate mousse and a special guest. Thankfully I found a hilarious postcard when I was cleaning, so all the gifts cost me $9 dollars. I even told Terry that I got him a gift in hopes that he would do something, anything for me. Now I was way into getting the pizza because it was a win-win for me; Terry gets a gift and I get pizza. So I arrived with the pizza- he doesn't notice it's heart shaped until it's baked- and doesn't bother to thank me for it. What the fuck?! He says he likes the gifts but only after I ask. The night proceeded to go down hill from there.
The day before Rob (see Houston, I think we have a problem) had to cancel at the last minute. So I felt like I needed to get someone to come over. I posted an ad on good ole' Craigslist and found several someones to come over. I settled on a guy that I met online (Trent) last summer when I was looking for someone to go to the nude beach with me. So Trent said he'll come over sometime after 9:30pm. When he got there, he didn't look as good as his photo; he was doughy, had a small dick and looks like a guy I went out with a few times named Roger (see Golden Rule of dating), so that was creeping me out. On top of all that, Trent didn't get there until 11:45pm and was gone by 12:15am. Are you kidding me?!
Before Trent's arrival, I started getting agitated that Terry was acting so excited. It was obvious I didn't want to do Trent and every time we have a new special guests, I'm pissed and prefer to be drunk. But since this was Valentine's day, instead of being angry I was teary. I was crying when Terry was eating me out and started again when we were talking after Trent left. I told Terry that I felt like he was only into me when we're having special guests. And that I don't like the special guests, that they make me feel bad. It was like he wasn't listening. He went on about enjoying watching me and that he'd like to increase to twice a week. I immediately said no to that. He said we could stop but I think he only said that to get me to stop crying. I wanted to scream "You didn't even say thank you for the pizza!" but I couldn't remember if he did or not.
When I left his house this morning, Terry seemed sad but I wanted to go because I had already had a crying fit that morning. My behavior makes me worried about what's going to happen on my birthday. Hell I'm worried about how I'm going to be the next time I'm at Terry's house.
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